being hopeful

when time comes.

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 22:15:00 GMT

Sitting alone here in NUH is a bit creepy. Looking at how my grandma is unable to respond to any of my calling is even more upsetting. I remembered the times where she would sit me down and talk to me, these are the times i know that i haven been visiting her enough that is why she would sit me down and try to catch up with what she had lost.

Times just got worst when i started working in the kitchen. I totally lose all my time for my family. I can go up to 8months without visiting her. How could i you ask? Im also not so sure about the answer myself.

Looking at her now on the bed with all those tubes is already making me feel bad enough, it cannot make up for the time lost last time. Talking to her about myself now just doesnt seem like a right thing to do.

It was just 3weeks ago when i finally visited her after 8mths of playing missing games, and the reason being why i visited her is that my cousin have to personally put a status on Facebook to tell us that my grandma's health is going down hill.

last week when i went to the Rehab to visit her, she was still talking to me and asking me to bring my boyfriend to let her have a look, till now im still laughing at that convo. And the next thing i knew she had a heart attack and needs to be admitted to hospital right away. Just a mere few hours and the grandmother that i saw is like two different person.

Its hard to explain how i feel when i heard and saw what happened. It happened too fast for me to have a reaction.

Now, a week have passed and she is still lying on the bed.
Nobody knows how long this is gonna continue...

Im not hoping for the worst, but if the worst can bring her comfort, please just do it.

love you always ahma <3

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:46:08 GMT

you're slowly capturing the hearts of all my family.
thank you for appearing in my life.

<3 Tiger.

first night

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 16:36:42 GMT

this is 4th night since tiger came.
he seems to be adapting well, i dont remember how many time i scolded him for urinating around.
whenever i see tiger, i think to myself and asked, can i actually provide him with a good life here. afterall he is gonna spend the rest of his life with me.

i feel like a mom taking care of a newborn.
a whole new level of responsibilities and a whole new level of looking at priorities.

new arrival

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:24:51 GMT

tiger is here, now, at my place.
his eyes told me that he is very sad. alone in a new place, without his siblings and all.

i feel like i did something bad. i feel like i shdnt take away happiness from him.

but he will get use to it isnt it?

counting down.

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:19:00 GMT

two more days... <3

new to the house

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:09:59 GMT

meet tiger (named already given),
my soon-to-be family member of mine in the coming few weeks.

finally,
the one thing that i have been wishing for is finally going to come true.
after so long.

please come visit him.
will upload more photos when time to come.
loves <3

workload.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:06:25 GMT

sometimes when im tempted to leave a job, i look into the future and think that could there be any job worst than what i have now. i need to be mentally-prepared that i am able to leave what i have now, happiness or sadness or friends that i have made there and move on to another place where all this have to start over again.

i am not a new-enviroment kind of person, i cannot work in a place where i have no one to talk to or to share a common interest with. i know, we all have a same common interest, cooking that is, but that is not enough. Often i confused myself with caring about the enviroment and the people more than what i can learn and what i will pick up and help me in the future.

all this unwanted stress is piling up in me. where am i suppose to vent it out? how bad can it be when the first thing that comes to your mind on the first day of work is quitting. HAH!

all i wanted in life now is someone to lean on and a job that makes me happy. I really want to travel back to the past where i was in Shangri-la, a place with little pay and alot of happiness :)

Happiness is so limited.

closed

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 16:09:58 GMT

its not that i dont like to talk about myself.
i realised i dont have much to share.

what about me dyou want to know?

this is it isnt it?

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:27:23 GMT

i suppose we all moved on with life or at least we think we do.but how sure are we that we can move on without looking back at things in a different way.

since u already decided to moved on with life then dont come running back to us and say that things arent going the way u think it is. Isnt life about all these?
u have friends now that accept u and your bf so why still come to us and say that u missed us?u are making it sound like im having a relationship with you.

i do not know where to start to tell u the things that u have already missed out.i do not know what to say when u asked me how am i.
since u already decided to bury it then please dont dig it out.

i feel that im really losing myself. at work and at social life.how much more can i take.
really cannot imagine if this were to continue for the rest of my life.

what am i suppose to ask for in life?

things only get worser

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 18:26:18 GMT

i told myself everyday that i may find something about this place that will keep me motivated or at least make me happy.

im sorry to say i couldnt find any.
everyday passed and the more i feel that i dont belong here.

im drained

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 18:18:23 GMT

its just 3 weeks into my new job and it felt like 3 years.no kidding!

when i have nothing to choose from, i really have nothing to choose from. nothing much for me to make a decision and keep my promise to it.
yet when im given a choice, i always end up with 2 choices which somehow end up similar in their little ways, and when i decided on something. i know i WILL regret it.

its not a thing i can control but its a thing i cant stop.

like what my friend told me that i already have a decision in mind, yet i kept asking all my other friends because i want them to let me realised i already made a decision.
but majority of the time, i always end up choosing what i didnt decided on.

and THAT, I REGRET!

i hate how things now is making me sad and miserable.i hate how little decisions i made can make me feel so useless and lifeless and worthless.
I HATE ME!

its no use crying over it now.
i dont want to give up life because of a wrong step i took.but its draining me mentally and physically.sad to say, its even worst than my previous job.
and the pay is the ONE AND ONLY thing that i looked forward to and its really quite sad.

im searching for that 1percent at work to make me think that this job is worthwhile.
im trying hard to search...... trust me please.

subconscious

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 14:01:20 GMT

i know its wrong to think this way, but i cant help it cant i?
is there a way to stop myself from thinking too much.

feeling wrong

Wed, 27 May 2009 15:41:59 GMT

what is the use of trying so hard in the first place?

the harder you try to keep things as per normal, the worst its going to get and sooner its going to happen.i dont want to be pessimistic but majority of the times in life there is no such thing as happily ever after.

i have never been in love,never fall for anyone deeply and yet to hear from someone that they love me so i dont know how is it like to get use to someone by your side and lose them completely the next moment.
maybe for me, i will just suck it in and think the pain will only fade away or i will grow stronger one day to control the pain.

whether is it a good thing that i never fall in love or not?im not sure of that myself.
they say first love will always end on a bad note.

do you suppose i can skip that part?

moon sign

Sun, 17 May 2009 19:00:04 GMT

In many life situations, the Moon in Aquarius people have their own, distinct and sometimes very original opinion, and they are not going to change this opinion no matter what, even if they will be left completely alone. It is very important for these individuals to retain their independence. They don't want their personal life to be anybody else's concern.

Often the Moon in Aquarius individuals have some outstanding abilities in one or another field, and they work like a magnet for those people who share their interests. This is why so often they take a central place in the company of like-minded friends. And even there they somehow manage to keep their uniqueness. They are not mixing well with the other people, they are together with them, but still alone.

As a result of their character, quite often the Moon in Aquarius folks can become really alone in their personal life, and their constant urge for independence can lead to chronic emotionall stress. Hence their susceptibility to the disorders of nervous and circulatory systems, as also those unpredictable changes in their mood. There is an impression that at times they are getting tired of themselves, and to get rid of this tiredness they are trying to change abruptly, as if to become a different person.

To restore after a significant stress, the Moon in Aquarius persons need to have a hobby which they could plunge themselves into, forgetting about the surrounding world. It would be really good for them if they could speak out their problems, but this is not so easy, because Lunar Aquarians do not like to just chat with anyone about anything. They prefer dealing with experts in their field of interest - this is with whom they are ready to talk endlessly. And if there is no such a person around, a good book could serve as a replacement for a friend.

The Moon in Aquarius parents can be very original. From the early years they will make clear to their child that everyone's individuality is precious, and everyone should be independent. As a result, their kids might not be always properly fed or dressed, but they will become self-reliant earlier than their peers, and their talents will develop more successfully.

for the time being

Fri, 15 May 2009 17:05:54 GMT

to see myself being what i am today was totally unexpected.
and to believe that every single decision that i made in the past was meant to be.

if you are given a choice to change one little thing in the past, what will it be?

what did i do wrong in the very beginning

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 17:44:09 GMT

the incident happened over 2 months ago.and our very friend is overseas,you just had to go ahead and tell her your side of the story.have it ever cross your mind that its being unfair to me?i dont think so.

i dont know what you said to her and i dont want to explain anymore because i dont see the point in lingering at this topic.but later did i know that u have been telling stories to other people that is somewhat not true and that makes me very hurt.

i dont even know why i dont feel angry.just hurt,as a matter of fact,very hurt.

i want to ask her what did u said but i realised i was being stupid.it will make them think that i was guilty and that will cause them to stand on ur side more.
i thought we already solve the problems.but hell was i wrong.

now everyone will think that i have make a mountain out of a molehill.

if you really want everyone to be on your side by telling them fake things,.go ahead.i really dont want to make a fuss.you win okay?if it makes u get off my back, i will let u win.
all these things is getting absurdly out of hand.i want to speak up but who is willing to listen.

all these is just bullshit.arghhhhhh!

it took me a while to realise

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:15:19 GMT

is it so difficult to set things right
when in the first place there isnt anything wrong?

a friend told me recently that she thinks her consciences are clear and she told me that she was putting in effort to make things less awkward for all of us, and the effort that we are putting in is nowhere in comparison.
she said she needed to be alone to evaluate things.she said she is scared to commit in friendship,she said she is afraid to be a "good" friend.she told me she cannot see where our friendship is heading,she told me she thinks its the end of everything.

she told me these after 9 years.

she actually tell me she is hurting inside and nobody else can understand how hurt she is.she made me feel like a robot.she makes me think that i have no rights to cry over this friendship and no rights to say that i am hurt too in this event.

she told me that her boyfriend ask her to look for new friends as the current ones arent good enough.he told my friend that he is very angry how we are making her cry over us.
YES!her boyfriend told her all of the above.

i want to, for once, live in denial that she din change at all and this is not her that we used to know.but i cant.
the conversation that she had with me snap me back to reality.so hard!

she told me i made her feel that she had no one to turn to.she even told me that she loss interest in maintaining friendship, not new ones, not even those that she already had and she just want to go home and sleep everyday and run away from all these.

she asked me not to question her on why she isnt ready to take on the role of maintaining friendships again.she asked me why does we think that she is acting on being hurt.

she thinks that im threatening her with a message that says "just dont try so hard and make everyone unhappy.i dont want to be mean to you"

if she think about all these about me.then what is left for me to think anymore.

on my one day that i thought i can feel special and be special,i had to pacify her needs for attention.one the one day that i pray so hard i dont need drama from her, she had to give me some.
she got it all wrong when she thinks that the reason i was disappointed at her was because she didnt turn up for the dinner.then arent i suppose to blow at everyone who werent there?

please tell me what to think.i cant think straight now.

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 08:00:02 GMT

once i heard one of my friends said that after u turn 21,time flies like nobody's business.
someone else said that on your 21st birthday,its either u are really happy or you are having the worst day ever.

well, for me, its kinda simple.i choose the afterwards, it wasnt the worst.i still have a handful of very very memorable moments.like the day before my birthday,i was kidnapped by a group of my very good friends,yes kidnapped :)
they brought me to the perfect place to spend the last day before actual adulthood.THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDEN aka zoo.it was unexpected actually but still i sense smth was wrong since i felt alot of granite and stone.not alot of place in singapore have alot of stones and granite.i spend the whole day at one place where there are actual animals around me.

*thanks!i love you so so much!

on the actual day of my birthday,unfortuantely i was working.and the fact that the day din exactly go as i planned.
so here's what i had in mind, a simple start of the morning where i wont be late for work and i wont have friends calling me and crying over the phone about how they are terribly sorry bout not coming for dinner with me.

but everything just had to go wrong at the wrong time at the wrong day.i tried to be positive.but sometimes when you are at wits end, you just break down.

i dont really want to cry on my birthday but i dont have other choices.i am not a fan of suspenses and surprises.i tend to be more of a upfront and direct person.i had more than my fair share of surprises on my birthday that i think for the rest of my living days, i will try to keep away.

sorry i took so long to write this post.this is not the completed post yet.but i whenever i want to start writing this entry, im at loss of words.

so i decided to just leave things as it is.

i didnt notice

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 13:56:04 GMT

i always thought that maybe things are suppose to happen the way they are meant to happen.
the feelings brought along with it also seems inevitable.

i always say that im one person who dont give in to fate.
but fate is something i dont have control of.not even a glimpse of it.

now im holding on to things that i most probably know that i will end up being hurt.
coz i know if i dont hang on, i wont know how painful it is.

i will never ask for a second chance like this cause maybe there wont be a second chance.

somethings arent meant to be mended and looked new.

the need to feel urgent

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 09:17:20 GMT

urgency isnt a thing that everyone is born with,this is one thing that i realised after so long.

fortunately im born with abit of this precious attribute.i tend to sense abit more urgency then people around me,i dont think that is a bad thing but i hope that even if they dont realised the need to feel urgent,i hope that they will work along with me, unfortunately,i dont find alot of them like tat around me.a handful maybe but that is it.

planning something, either for a dear friend or for work, needs a long time and loads of compromising.if you cant do any of the above mentioned,then i suggest you not to give such tedious work a try.its bad for your health and for the people around you.

sometimes these planning cork-up and ends in a way worst then u anticipate.dont complain.....dont push fault to everyone around you.
it only makes u feel better.
just take it as a lesson learn.

its a new year.
start everything afresh (in the right direction)

why this year aint sucha big deal.

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 12:15:37 GMT

why cant i just accept that im turning 21 this year with more pride and less complaints.

as a matter of fact, i cant.i cant accept the fact that im parting further and further away from teen-life and the part where i must hold more responsibilities and must be more mature.

take it as im childish okay.im just not ready to face it yet.not yet.

maybe its because i have alot of things that i didnt have or haven do while i was back in my teen year so its hard to make my except my adulthood now.

im not looking forward to a big hoo-ha this year.i just want a simple dinner or lunch with a bunch of very close-to-the-heart friends and thats it.dont need a ballroom or a grand castle to commemerate this day.

im just grateful i have friends who remember this day.
thanks! :)

its just another year older.

for the year 2008

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 09:12:37 GMT

i cant stop time but im going to pay a little attention into appreciating it for the next 5mins.

firstly i want to thank all the people that made me 2008 even possible to live through.they are mainly my BFFs, and all the new friends that i met.if it aint for them it wouldnt even be possible.

times flies like nobody's business and i suppose i dont really have the time to sit down and thank them for the great effort they have done in making my life today.
maybe you dont really see it as a great effort but to me its much more than i deserve.
i had a great 20th birthday this year thanks to a handful of my BFFs,they planned an "amazing" race for me by the time the clock strike 12th,its nothing much but its something for someone like me.thanks!

i dont have much changes in the choice of friends i made throughout this year.but friends comes and goes very often,and im glad i choose the right ones to hold on.for those who are gone,well...just say we are on different frequency.

i spend almost all the special occasions with my loved ones,example like all our birthdays and festive seasons.you guys make me understand the need of having real friends to lean on when i need someone.

for one who doesnt have family to lean on,you have no idea how you guys meant to me.thanks for understanding my stubborness when comes to my family issues.
to people who doesnt understand,im just any other childish immature kid.but im not and you guys know it and that is enough.

well.now is 2009 and i hope nothing is gonna to come between us.
thank you for all the great memories that you have implanted in me

loves.

its not longer another year another christmas.

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 11:58:05 GMT

its christmas soon,and after that we are having the new year and the its the chinese new year.so many things to do so little time.

i remembered i had my christmas at work last year (its @ shang in case you have no idea).everyone was enjoying christmas and having the christmas spirit in them and i was there,grumbling at the amount of work i had to go through.so there is no doubt i had a fun christmas but last year was the year that i had ever seen 35 numbers of turkey and honey baked hams altogether,trust me,it was a sight.

our line tend to be more grouchy when it comes to festive seasons.we have a way to put all these together."when you are free on holidays,we are busy on holidays,in fact,we work till our ass drop."even for my new year,i had to spend it at work too.but at least last year new year,i didnt have to squeeze with people out there.we held a little countdown party at the end of the day at work and we get to eat alot of food (leftovers of course but still...)i missed my chinese new year too and yes it quite bad,i missed 3 consecutive major hols.

well tis year round i hope that it will not be the same anymore.i will make sure at least.

how am i suppose to catch time.

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 09:36:54 GMT

it is impossibly fast how time flies for me at work.and its a mystery how im able to survive here.afterall today is my 3rd month here.i remembered complaining bout it since the first day and im still complaining now.lols

its hard not to complain since for one thing,im a woman and for another,this job sucks.complaining just makes me feel better in a way i suppose.not complaning just makes me fatter (LOL) with all the anger gas inside of me.
i feel stupid for complaining bout my life at shang when in comparison,shang is obviously the heaven.even compare to my school outlets (charcoal and rosette),they still win by a mile.

i have no doubt that i will not miss this place when i pick up the courage to leave this heap of crap.okay so im not the only one that is complaining bout my workplace,im sure everyone does it all the time.

im sick of complaning bout friends and the fact that there is no problems with them recently,i just have work to rant bout.

i have so much to rant about but by the time i touch this keyboard,everything disappear.jeez.....

its nearing christmas,thank god for the christmas party that im having with jolene and adam,it makes christmas not that bad at all.
at least im still having my christmas spirit.just make sure it last long enough.

hyperoma

subjective

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 08:59:24 GMT

am i too sensitive or some people just doesnt geddit.