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  • Jan. 22nd, 2010 at 12:15 AM

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is this how a job should make you feel?

  • Jan. 12th, 2010 at 1:54 AM

it makes me feel so useless, so helpless and im not suppose to be feeling like this at all.

i never have a real job before so my job at Mount Elizabeth Hospital is my first official job. i dont have alot of fantasies about how a real job will be like, and i really cannot imagine how people can stay at a job for such a long time, and by a long time im counting decades. For me, all i wanted from a job is to be happy and able to get along with all my colleagues. Well, i did get half of what i wanted, i got along with majority of them. (i am an aquarian so im naturally a people-person.LOL)

what i never know that i will learn is how cruel can people get when being faced with situations. Trust me, when the company is here promoting how we should be like a family and work together, there we have people stabbing each other viciously. You call that family and teamwork? Thats total bullshit.

i might be young and naive and inexperience, but one thing i still have is to respect everyone the way i wanted everyone to respect me. I treat almost everyone with the respect they deserved. I need to make sure i dont judge people on one damn mistake they made. Come on, nobody's perfect so dont mark them for life!

I rememeber for the first week i started work at Mount E, i was told that the people there was quite a handful and trust me, they still are. I knew that i wouldnt stay at a place like this for long because i DO not like to work with aunties. First is because they have a thing on their face that cannot shut up and they cannot dont gather in a small group of 3 and more to gossip about people and they make it SO obvious! jee...

And the fact that i am the youngest there means whatever i do is wrong and childish. Argh! I cant even argue back because they wouldnt take my words into consideration anyway.

Tell me again why am i still stuck in this place?
I just need to find one day and have all my anger accumulated and burst at them then i quit!

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when time comes.

  • Dec. 15th, 2009 at 6:15 AM

Sitting alone here in NUH is a bit creepy. Looking at how my grandma is unable to respond to any of my calling is even more upsetting. I remembered the times where she would sit me down and talk to me, these are the times i know that i haven been visiting her enough that is why she would sit me down and try to catch up with what she had lost.

Times just got worst when i started working in the kitchen. I totally lose all my time for my family. I can go up to 8months without visiting her. How could i you ask? Im also not so sure about the answer myself.

Looking at her now on the bed with all those tubes is already making me feel bad enough, it cannot make up for the time lost last time. Talking to her about myself now just doesnt seem like a right thing to do.

It was just 3weeks ago when i finally visited her after 8mths of playing missing games, and the reason being why i visited her is that my cousin have to personally put a status on Facebook to tell us that my grandma's health is going down hill.

last week when i went to the Rehab to visit her, she was still talking to me and asking me to bring my boyfriend to let her have a look, till now im still laughing at that convo. And the next thing i knew she had a heart attack and needs to be admitted to hospital right away. Just a mere few hours and the grandmother that i saw is like two different person.

Its hard to explain how i feel when i heard and saw what happened. It happened too fast for me to have a reaction.

Now, a week have passed and she is still lying on the bed.
Nobody knows how long this is gonna continue...

Im not hoping for the worst, but if the worst can bring her comfort, please just do it.

love you always ahma <3

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Nov. 13th, 2009

  • 11:46 PM




you're slowly capturing the hearts of all my family.
thank you for appearing in my life.

<3 Tiger.

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first night

  • Nov. 9th, 2009 at 12:15 AM



this is 4th night since tiger came.
he seems to be adapting well, i dont remember how many time i scolded him for urinating around.
whenever i see tiger, i think to myself and asked, can i actually provide him with a good life here. afterall he is gonna spend the rest of his life with me.

i feel like a mom taking care of a newborn.
a whole new level of responsibilities and a whole new level of looking at priorities.
 

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new arrival

  • Nov. 5th, 2009 at 12:22 AM


tiger is here, now, at my place.
his eyes told me that he is very sad. alone in a new place, without his siblings and all.

i feel like i did something bad. i feel like i shdnt take away happiness from him.

but he will get use to it isnt it?

counting down.

  • Nov. 2nd, 2009 at 8:49 PM

two more days... <3

new to the house

  • Oct. 27th, 2009 at 12:05 AM







 meet tiger (named already given),
my soon-to-be family member of mine in the coming few weeks.

finally,
the one thing that i have been wishing for is finally going to come true.
after so long.

please come visit him.
will upload more photos when time to come.
loves <3
 

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workload.

  • Oct. 15th, 2009 at 11:52 PM

sometimes when im tempted to leave a job, i look into the future and think that could there be any job worst than what i have now. i need to be mentally-prepared that i am able to leave what i have now, happiness or sadness or friends that i have made there and move on to another place where all this have to start over again.

i am not a new-enviroment kind of person, i cannot work in a place where i have no one to talk to or to share a common interest with. i know, we all have a same common interest, cooking that is, but that is not enough. Often i confused myself with caring about the enviroment and the people more than what i can learn and what i will pick up and help me in the future.

all this unwanted stress is piling up in me. where am i suppose to vent it out? how bad can it be when the first thing that comes to your mind on the first day of work is quitting. HAH!


all i wanted in life now is someone to lean on and a job that makes me happy. I really want to travel back to the past where i was in Shangri-la, a place with little pay and alot of happiness :)


Happiness is so limited.

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closed

  • Aug. 25th, 2009 at 12:08 AM

its not that i dont like to talk about myself.
i realised i dont have much to share.

what about me dyou want to know?

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this is it isnt it?

  • Aug. 15th, 2009 at 12:11 AM

 i suppose we all moved on with life or at least we think we do.but how sure are we that we can move on without looking back at things in a different way.

since u already decided to moved on with life then dont come running back to us and say that things arent going the way u think it is. Isnt life about all these?
u have friends now that accept u and your bf so why still come to us and say that u missed us?u are making it sound like im having a relationship with you.

i do not know where to start to tell u the things that u have already missed out.i do not know what to say when u asked me how am i.
since u already decided to bury it then please dont dig it out.






i feel that im really losing myself. at work and at social life.how much more can i take.
really cannot imagine if this were to continue for the rest of my life.

what am i suppose to ask for in life?

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things only get worser

  • Jul. 1st, 2009 at 2:17 AM

i told myself everyday that i may find something about this place that will keep me motivated or at least make me happy.

im sorry to say i couldnt find any.
everyday passed and the more i feel that i dont belong here.

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im drained

  • Jun. 26th, 2009 at 2:03 AM

its just 3 weeks into my new job and it felt like 3 years.no kidding!


when i have nothing to choose from, i really have nothing to choose from. nothing much for me to make a decision and keep my promise to it.
yet when im given a choice, i always end up with 2 choices which somehow end up similar in their little ways, and when i decided on something. i know i WILL regret it.

its not a thing i can control but its a thing i cant stop.

like what my friend told me that i already have a decision in mind, yet i kept asking all my other friends because i want them to let me realised i already made a decision.
but majority of the time, i always end up choosing what i didnt decided on.

and THAT, I REGRET!

i hate how things now is making me sad and miserable.i hate how little decisions i made can make me feel so useless and lifeless and worthless.
I HATE ME!




its no use crying over it now.
i dont want to give up life because of a wrong step i took.but its draining me mentally and physically.sad to say, its even worst than my previous job.
and the pay is the ONE AND ONLY thing that i looked forward to and its really quite sad.

im searching for that 1percent at work to make me think that this job is worthwhile.
im trying hard to search...... trust me please.

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subconscious

  • Jun. 12th, 2009 at 9:57 PM

i know its wrong to think this way, but i cant help it cant i?
is there a way to stop myself from thinking too much.

feeling wrong

  • May. 27th, 2009 at 11:29 PM

what is the use of trying so hard in the first place?

the harder you try to keep things as per normal, the worst its going to get and sooner its going to happen.i dont want to be pessimistic but majority of the times in life there is no such thing as happily ever after.

i have never been in love,never fall for anyone deeply and yet to hear from someone that they love me so i dont know how is it like to get use to someone by your side and lose them completely the next moment.
maybe for me, i will just suck it in and think the pain will only fade away or i will grow stronger one day to control the pain.

whether is it a good thing that i never fall in love or not?im not sure of that myself.
they say first love will always end on a bad note.





do you suppose i can skip that part?



moon sign

  • May. 18th, 2009 at 2:56 AM

Moon in Aquarius

In many life situations, the Moon in Aquarius people have their own, distinct and sometimes very original opinion, and they are not going to change this opinion no matter what, even if they will be left completely alone. It is very important for these individuals to retain their independence. They don't want their personal life to be anybody else's concern.

Often the Moon in Aquarius individuals have some outstanding abilities in one or another field, and they work like a magnet for those people who share their interests. This is why so often they take a central place in the company of like-minded friends. And even there they somehow manage to keep their uniqueness. They are not mixing well with the other people, they are together with them, but still alone.

As a result of their character, quite often the Moon in Aquarius folks can become really alone in their personal life, and their constant urge for independence can lead to chronic emotionall stress. Hence their susceptibility to the disorders of nervous and circulatory systems, as also those unpredictable changes in their mood. There is an impression that at times they are getting tired of themselves, and to get rid of this tiredness they are trying to change abruptly, as if to become a different person.

To restore after a significant stress, the Moon in Aquarius persons need to have a hobby which they could plunge themselves into, forgetting about the surrounding world. It would be really good for them if they could speak out their problems, but this is not so easy, because Lunar Aquarians do not like to just chat with anyone about anything. They prefer dealing with experts in their field of interest - this is with whom they are ready to talk endlessly. And if there is no such a person around, a good book could serve as a replacement for a friend.

The Moon in Aquarius parents can be very original. From the early years they will make clear to their child that everyone's individuality is precious, and everyone should be independent. As a result, their kids might not be always properly fed or dressed, but they will become self-reliant earlier than their peers, and their talents will develop more successfully.

for the time being

  • May. 16th, 2009 at 12:53 AM



to see myself being what i am today was totally unexpected.
and to believe that every single decision that i made in the past was meant to be.



if you are given a choice to change one little thing in the past, what will it be?



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what did i do wrong in the very beginning

  • Apr. 15th, 2009 at 1:21 AM

the incident happened over 2 months ago.and our very friend is overseas,you just had to go ahead and tell her your side of the story.have it ever cross your mind that its being unfair to me?i dont think so.

i dont know what you said to her and i dont want to explain anymore because i dont see the point in lingering at this topic.but later did i know that u have been telling stories to other people that is somewhat not true and that makes me very hurt.

i dont even know why i dont feel angry.just hurt,as a matter of fact,very hurt.


i want to ask her what did u said but i realised i was being stupid.it will make them think that i was guilty and that will cause them to stand on ur side more.
i thought we already solve the problems.but hell was i wrong.






now everyone will think that i have make a mountain out of a molehill.

if you really want everyone to be on your side by telling them fake things,.go ahead.i really dont want to make a fuss.you win okay?if it makes u get off my back, i will let u win.
all these things is getting absurdly out of hand.i want to speak up but who is willing to listen.




all these is just bullshit.arghhhhhh!

it took me a while to realise

  • Apr. 6th, 2009 at 1:44 AM

is it so difficult to set things right
when in the first place there isnt anything wrong?



a friend told me recently that she thinks her consciences are clear and she told me that she was putting in effort to make things less awkward for all of us, and the effort that we are putting in is nowhere in comparison.
she said she needed to be alone to evaluate things.she said she is scared to commit in friendship,she said she is afraid to be a "good" friend.she told me she cannot see where our friendship is heading,she told me she thinks its the end of everything.

she told me these after 9 years.

she actually tell me she is hurting inside and nobody else can understand how hurt she is.she made me feel like a robot.she makes me think that i have no rights to cry over this friendship and no rights to say that i am hurt too in this event.

she told me that her boyfriend ask her to look for new friends as the current ones arent good enough.he told my friend that he is very angry how we are making her cry over us.
YES!her boyfriend  told her all of the above.

i want to, for once, live in denial that she din change at all and this is not her that we used to know.but i cant.
the conversation that she had with me snap me back to reality.so hard!

she told me i made her feel that she had no one to turn to.she even told me that she loss interest in maintaining friendship, not new ones, not even those that she already had and she just want to go home and sleep everyday and run away from all these.

she asked me not to question her on why she isnt ready to take on the role of maintaining friendships again.she asked me why does we think that she is acting on being hurt.

she thinks that im threatening her with  a message that says "just dont try so hard and make everyone unhappy.i dont want to be mean to you"

if she think about all these about me.then what is left for me to think anymore.

on my one day that i thought i can feel special and be special,i had to pacify her needs for attention.one the one day that i pray so hard i dont need drama from her, she had to give me some.
she got it all wrong when she thinks that the reason i was disappointed at her was because she didnt turn up for the dinner.then arent i suppose to blow at everyone who werent there?




please tell me what to think.i cant think straight now.

Mar. 23rd, 2009

  • 3:51 PM

 once i heard one of my friends said that after u turn 21,time flies like nobody's business.
someone else said that on your 21st birthday,its either u are really happy or you are having the worst day ever.

well, for me, its kinda simple.i choose the afterwards, it wasnt the worst.i still have a handful of very very memorable moments.like the day before my birthday,i was kidnapped by a group of my very good friends,yes kidnapped :)
they brought me to the perfect place to spend the last day before actual adulthood.THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDEN aka zoo.it was unexpected actually but still i sense smth was wrong since i felt alot of granite and stone.not alot of place in singapore have alot of stones and granite.i spend the whole day at one place where there are actual animals around me.

*thanks!i love you so so much!



on the actual day of my birthday,unfortuantely i was working.and the fact that the day din exactly go as i planned.
so here's what i had in mind, a simple start of the morning where i wont be late for work and i wont have friends calling me and crying over the phone about how they are terribly sorry bout not coming for dinner with me.

but everything just had to go wrong at the wrong time at the wrong day.i tried to be positive.but sometimes when you are at wits end, you just break down.

i dont really want to cry on my birthday but i dont have other choices.i am not a fan of suspenses and surprises.i tend to be more of a upfront and direct person.i had more than my fair share of surprises on my birthday that i think for the rest of my living days, i will try to keep away.





sorry i took so long to write this post.this is not the completed post yet.but i whenever i want to start writing this entry, im at loss of words.

so i decided to just leave things as it is.