being hopeful

all i need is a confirmation that there is a future. why is it so difficult to assure me? even if its a lie, it would be good enough but no, you dont really want to even bother.

You can lie all the time about all those unnecessary things but when i need you to lie, you decide it was the moment to stay truthful. "You should do some thinking.", words that came out of your mouth. 

You're right. Maybe i really need to re-think.

Stress free relationship? no such thing. Do me a favour, leave up to your status.

You always say that you wont say things that is not true and will not promise things that you wont do. Well, apparently, you broke all those rules you made for yourself.

I hate myself at how afraid i am to hurt you and yet you don't really care about what you say around me.

i never felt so helpless before.

Issues is never going to disappear, you cannot just try to brush them away like dust. its going to come back to you one day with twice its effect.

i really need to do some serious rethinking...

Every time i make a decision, i make sure i will not regret it in the future. I do not want to look back on all the things i decide on and think that who was that fool that make those stupid decisions.

For you it's the same.

Besides doing a lot of thinking, it also took me tonnes of courage to face you again. What can i do to make you understand that it is not-at-all easy for me to do this?

Each time i try to put them in words, i always end up saying things that doesn't match what I'm feeling. And the best part is that the kind of reaction i got back is not what i expected.

I tried so hard to be happy and see pass everything. It's not working i tell you, can't you tell?
Trying to be understanding and it doesn't work too.

Teach me how please. It is normal to asking for so much? I'm exhausted. Crying makes both of us tired. I am breaking down emotionally. It's not suppose to be like this, i didn't picture things would turn out like this.

I am trying, please let me know you are too.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part."

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Have you ever felt like what you have been doing all these while was just really running in circles? It's like no matter how hard you tried to get out of the same routine, same cycle, you will always end up at the same place.

At first i thought i am one of the lucky ones who managed to leave the circle, but unfortunately all these is just my wishful thinking.

I thought i am able to leave all these memories and somewhat start afresh. But it is not easily done isn't it? Everyone told me it's going to be painful, and i know it is going to be painful. I am just so stubborn, i had to feel the pain to actually know the pain. (yes, the infamous dead-end theory)

What if i tell you that i am sort of getting comfortable in this vicious cycle already? I know that all the pain is inevitable but what if i just don't have the gut to get away from this cycle? does that mean i'm doom to stuck here forever? as long as i am here, i have to see you, and everything you do always bring a part of pain with you. Have anyone ever to get use to this kind of pain?

Am i insane?

My thoughts just won't leave me alone.

i managed to survive 2 weeks without off, working 12 hours a day and concussed when my head hit my pillow every night.

all this kind of load i can carry with me, but why is it so hard to carry the load that you left for me. i have to let it go, i know i need to and i managed to awhile back. why is it coming back to haunt me now?

i tired myself everyday so that i wont have to dream of you and wont have the time to think of you. but after your return from paris, you told me you missed me. i didn't have to know that, you shouldn't have said that to me.

on that very night, i dreamt about you again. it was a nightmare, i dreamt that i was hugging you to sleep and having a time of my life with you (in my dream).
then why is it a nightmare? because i jolly well know that it wouldn't happen in reality and for me to have such dreams again is nightmare to me.

i just wish you would draw your lines clearer, just as clear as i am trying to draw now. leave me and thoughts alone. i have more than enough to suffer already.



just one more month wendy. you will then throw all these nightmares behind and start afresh. JIAYOU! :D

I close my eyes and i see flashbacks.

This weather is making me depressed. I am thinking about alot of things. All the "what ifs" and "whys"

This is not normal. My wound is healing already (or is it really?). Why is it still so unsettling when i see you?
My tear bags are stretched to the max already, im exhausted and hurt.

Is there a remedy for all these?

Ask me whether i would once again take the same path if i was given a choice in the beginning.
But that is how love works isn't it? It will hit you at the most unexpected time and leave you at the most unprepared moment.

I always tell myself i need to be strong, i know i can be strong, but how long do you want me to put up this brave front?
I want to be that little girl, the one who throws tantrum and be petty at nothing or everything.

Help me. I cannot deal with this any longer.

So tell me, this is the life i have to live with for now? I believe in karma but is this what i am getting back?

Come on now, be fair. I know i did something i shdnt have done, not now, not ever. But don't you think i had my fair share of pain as well? Yes yes, so you are gonna tell me i have the very rights to not feel this pain in the first place. I was the dumb one who placed myself in such a state so i couldn't blame anyone right?

But the point is, i already chose this path and i land myself in the exact place you all knew i would end up in. I open myself up to someone who i shdnt have, to someone who i knew in the first place that will break me, but i still go ahead.

You see, at this point of the story, a "I told you so" would just fit the picture perfectly.

Everyone tells me it will be over soon, the pain is just temporary. I was given a choice in the beginning, if i ever make the right choice, i wouldn't even need to feel this "temporary" pain.

Yes, right now i am blaming myself.
For being so stupid and so naive. I never felt so vulnerable and open to the outside world before. I opened up to you without keeping a bit of myself for me, and you took it and tear me apart, every single piece of me. Why do i have to be so stupid?

Remember i told you i never regret all these? Well, i'm sorry i lied. As a matter of fact, i'm regretting now, more than i ever did in my life.

This is the kind of pain that i won't allow time to take control. I am going to do what is within my means to get you out of my life, period.

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."

-Bella Swan, New moon.